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I have discovered when you think you have it all together, life has a way of letting you know you don’t!

 I have been battling with grief for 6 years. It comes and goes as grief does. But for the most part I am not in the pits of Hell with no way out anymore. That is a good thing.

There are two times a year that are the hardness for me. An right now is one of them…Her birthday, the happiest day of my life. She would be 26 years old on the 31st and I would be planning her party. She was the youngest of 7 and my best friend. We did everything together. She went to work with me and to school. I homeschooled her so life was her school and she learned from everything we did. She was wise beyond her years yet naïve and innocent at the same time. Her name is Sarah Shekinah Marie.

I get stuck sometimes in the different levels of grief and it takes a lot of courage to step outside of myself and see this with the eyes of gratitude. To forgive and not blame either myself, other people or the event that took her life. When your heart is ripped from your body and the pain is so intense that you will be crushed as the walls close in around you and darkness is all that exists, you cant see any healing from this thing called grief. But as we are here to experience human emotions we can not escape its cold and hungry fingers.

So in the past 6 years so many good things have happened that I can be grateful for. I need to focus on those things when I feel the pangs of sorrow looming over me. The story of my journey will be written for all to read and will hopefully give hope to those going through the same thing. I know that I am still healing and I know from experience that everyone who gets grabbed, beaten, blinded and thrown into the tunnel of hell by grief, will eventually come out  on the other side… a forever changed human with a higher level of awareness… because after all, isn’t that why we’re here.

You know I don’t know what is more exhausting …staying in the pit or climbing out! But what I need to do now is write some love letters and remind myself that Sarah and I chose this experience because we knew I was strong enough and could do it.

But…… I think between the suicide of my husband, death of my daughter, dad, mother, 3 suicides of dear friends and my faithful dog, all within 6 years, I am as aware as I need or want to be about death and grief!!!