White Tigers HDI have been angry for 2 years. This anger has become second nature to me. To the point where I didn’t  realize  I was angry anymore. Living with that kind of anger is very unhealthy. Even though I intellectually realize this, I wasn’t sure how to change it. When I started You University and learned many different techniques to deal with the anger I thought I had resolved this anger but to my dismay I had not. This anger comes from feelings of betrayal in a relationship. A relationship built on shaded and misguided truth. As I explain and share what happened maybe I can help someone else who might be feeling angry since my story is not that uncommon.

About three years ago I left a five-year relationship which had been very emotionally draining on myself as well as my partner and I jumped into a relationship I believed was what I wanted. It had all the makings of a stable, secure (both emotionally and financially) wonderful relationship, which is what I thought I needed at the time. I was vulnerable to anyone who would give me attention, show me kindness, and make me feel I was important. And that is exactly what he did.

I was swept off my feet even though there were signs from the beginning that the issues around trust were bound to come up, but I chose to ignore them, to forgive them, and when told that I was seeing things differently than what they really were, I believed him. From that moment on it has going downhill causing me to become more and more angry at myself but taking it out on him. Looking at the situation now, I see I was getting part of what I wanted mixed in with the parts I was trying to get away from. I was angry that I was allowing myself to stay in a situation that gave me only what I needed not what I wanted. It was a screwed up  situation. Let me explain.

Frist and most important, my intentions were not crystal clear as to what it was I was looking for. If you want to be secure financially make sure you’re clear on how you want that to look like. I did not know that my partner’s mother would take care of us completely every month  for 2 years. Even though I was secure and getting everything I needed it was not what I wanted my security to look like. I wanted to be needed and important to someone but I guess I wasn’t clear that meant in all areas of a relationship including the bedroom. I found a partner who did not put sex very high on the relationship end so the amount of effort put into it was little to nothing. In general he was kind and patient, went with the flow, some what affectionate but anything past that, it was not happening.

I wanted someone who was not jealous but what I got was someone so insecure with himself that he needed to have many girls (mostly girls he found on dating sites he had been on) as friends to boost his self image.  I wanted someone I could trust, what I got was someone who twisted the truth, believing he was not lying. He told me just enough of a situation to satisfy my answer and nothing more. I wanted someone who was laid-back and enjoyed life instead I got someone so laid-back nothing ever got done. Procrastination was his middle name and he blamed it on being raised in Oklahoma.

When you are not clear on your intentions, and what it is you want, and what you’re looking for, this is what happens, you end up with bits and pieces of what you wanted and you exchange one disappointment for another. This is where my frustration and anger was coming from. And I was just letting it smolder until I became someone I didn’t want to be, an angry, hostile, resentful bitch. And I had no one to blame but myself.

I’m sure that many of you can relate to the story or something similar to it. But this is where the story changes. I wasn’t happy. I was in a  situation I knew eventually I would leave. I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with this person, but I also  didn’t want to be put out on my ear with no place to go. I also knew that I had gotten  just what I asked for, so I couldn’t really blame him. He was who he was, I just knew he wasn’t for me. So the other day I decided I had to change my approach.  I had to deal with this anger, so I wrote a monster letter, a few… Monster letters, until I could get to where I was able to respect him, and be grateful for what I had, for what I’d been given, and I had not had to struggle for much of anything, and especially grateful for being able to go to You University and complete the program. If I had not been in this situation I would not have been able to pay for it. Also I had a son who needed to stay with me after he got out of prison and I would not have been able to help him get back on his feet. I did have many things to be grateful for because of this situation.

So after writing my love letters I realized I had not been very kind. If I truly wanted things to turn out the way I wanted, I needed to set things right and that is exactly what I did, I went and talked with him.  When I changed my approach I found a more cooperative individual who was willing to accept us, not as a couple, but two people wanting to get back the friendship we had in the beginning. Understanding the dynamics of the relationship made it much easier to get clear, and not hold so much resentment.  It freed him to be (I hope) a bit more honest with his feelings.

I believe if you want to change a situation and have a different outcome, you must look at the way you are handling the situation, and not at trying to change the other person and how they respond. I was not getting anywhere with my complaining, talking to, explaining to, getting angry at, being mean and even ignoring the situation. They say the definition for insanity is “repeating the same action expecting a different outcome”, well I am living proof of that. I have been living with insanity for three years. But with the help of Maia Berens, and You University I got my sanity back.

When I changed my approach I got what I wanted. There is a clear understanding between the two of us (my partner and I) and I feel more relaxed and focused on what I am doing from here on out. And I am sure he does too. He no longer feels he has to sneak around and tell me half-truths and I’m sure this makes him feel a lot better about himself, which is a good thing.

Emotional drama is a horrible thing to live with. And anger is only one kind of emotion, but it is a strong one when not dealt with or controlled. And I am so very glad that I had the tools to help me get a grip on this beast before it took one more bite and swallowed me whole.