Angela Birthday July 1992

    Having seven kids meant there was always something to celebrate every   month. Christmas, Thanksgiving or a Birthday. So I was always buying a present for someone. I probably went overboard making sure everything was as fair as it could be for each child, and everyone was happy.

It’s funny, I never stopped to think that any of my children would actually grow up and not need me to set up or initiate things for holidays or birthdays. I guess I always just thought of them as my little kids.

Over the years I’ve had to let go of them one by one and it is not a easy process. They grew up so fast and left home early, and I was always trying to pull them back. I was never able to except that I was no longer needed in the same way I was before. My role as a parent had changed and it was a hard one to accept.

It has been nine years since my children moved away and started their own families. Each time holidays or birthdays roll around I will feel rejected and hurt if they don’t call after I have sent or done something special for them.

Why is it so hard for me to let go? Why is it so hard to understand that they have their own life? My job of raising them is done. I should be glad that I now have my own life. I can do whatever I want to do. I don’t need to hire a babysitter, I don’t have to wonder if they’re in school or not in school, what kind of trouble they might get into, if they’re safe or not and all the worries I had when I was responsible for their welfare. I’m free, I should be happy. So why am I sad?

I have lived 46 years of my life feeling needed and responsible for the care of seven little souls, granted it was tough and as much joy as they gave me they gave me just as much pain. I had a need to be needed. There was a void in my life and I just couldn’t seem to fill it.

And then I realized something. I was allowing my happiness to be completely dependent on them. I had forgotten who I was or what made me happy, before my children. I was making my children responsible for my happiness. I actually had thought about this years ago and I thought I had dealt with it but each time one of the holidays or birthdays came around, and their plans did not include being with me, I was devastated. So, here we go again, another birthday rolls around, and I do something which I think is so wonderful that they cant wait to call me and… they don’t.

Well this time is going to be different, (it wasn’t at first, my feelings got hurt and I started to feel bad about myself) but I believe this time my eyes are open and they see what is… My Truth.

As hard as it is I have to look at what the cause of this behavior is and why it is so hard to change. When I quieted my thoughts and I listened, it dawned on me it was one of my self limiting beliefs. The one from childhood which said, “I only matter if I had a family.” My purpose in life, according to my mom was to have a husband and children and that was that. Well guess what, I had children but no husband, so what does that say about me? My self limiting belief was saying that while I had the children I was okay, but now that they’re gone and I have no husband I don’t matter. My happiness and purpose in life was around them.

I think today was a turning point for me. I used my intuition and my self talk to see what was causing this and to free myself from this self limiting belief because I know I am more than just my children’s mom. My children’s friends would call me either April’s mom, Shawn’s mom, Stevens’s mom, and so on. Even years later some of them never knew my first name.

My life has meaning beyond my children and someday when my children’s children grow up and move away and are on their own, they will have to find their truth again also. So it goes generation after generation.

It feels good to grow up.

Blessing From My Corner of the World