For everything we study and work on in life we are required to pass a test.  Someone administers the test to let us know that we know what we know and we understand how and why we know what we do.  We then receive a certificate of achievement that states to the world that we know whenever it was that we were learning. But when it comes to self awareness does anyone administer a test for that?  This is the question that I was pondering the other day and let me explain why.

I had not been involved in a relationship for quiet sometime.  My past relationships have been rocky to say the least.  It would have appeared that I was constantly creating relationships with very unstable individuals which would eventually end in complete disaster.  So when I decided to be a life coach it was obvious I had some work to do on myself first.

Finding Maia and You University was just what I needed to start that process. Emotion-Based Life Coaching has really changed my life.  It’s helped me to understand my patterns and dig through the garbage of my childhood to uncover who I really am and why I do some of the things I do.  It is an ongoing study, one that will never end, at least not until I take my last breath.  Because after all, life is a school and graduation comes with our last breath.

So while I may still be in the school of life I did graduate from You University, and had a more clear understanding of myself and had tools to use to help others get to that place also.  I am an Emotion-Based Life Coach.

So back to my relationships.  What I discovered and some of you might relate to this, is that everyone seems to have a particular type of person that they bring into their life all the time.  The saying “he doesn’t look like your type” or “she looks like you’re kind” is exactly what I’m talking about. We all have a certain type of look we like, or attributes we want our partner to have.  Everyone is different but the same in some way.

I have to admit, it was that way for me. It seemed like I would manifest the kind of person I wanted; only they were lacking a couple things. Some very major things. I guess I forgot to say, don’t be a drug addict, or an alcoholic, or abusive, or just plain be emotionally stable.  But other then the negative stuff they were all similar in some way. Maybe it was theirs looks, maybe it was the body type; maybe it was the way they spoke, but overall they all had some similarities. That being said, after not dating for several years I was ready to give it another try. So with my new found awareness and tools in hand I started the process.

What I found when starting this journey is a whole story in itself so I will get right to the point. I met someone on a popular dating site who seemed like a good match. After going through a long process of answering questions back and forth to see if we had more in common we took the next step and started to talk on the phone and after that went on for a while we decided to meet for our first date. We had our first date and it went very nicely. We had long talks and it seemed too good. I was waiting to see when the ball would drop. He was just what I thought I had been looking for. But something wasn’t right and I just could not put my finger on it. I wanted to take it very slow and he seemed completely enamored with me. So I was getting nervous but he was so kind and soft spoken and different then the others, but I was not falling head over heads like I would in the past so maybe I never would be. I had more questions then I did answers and it was confusing. But I did know I wanted to see where it would go.

So we had dinner together at his place. He cooked and I was quite taken by him and just didn’t know exactly why. All the time we were both nervous as two teenagers.  He was a perfect gentleman. We had a nice time. I thought everything was okay. But later was told that my actions on some things had hurt him and I was completely unaware of them. He was calm but hurt and I was devastated. I was now saying that I wanted to take things slow and it caused some anger in him that made me scared even though he really wasn’t doing anything that should have caused it.

I had forgotten a couple of things at his place, so a few days later he brought them to me and we had a 3rd date. We had a great time and I started to have hope.  It wasn’t until our 4th date that things got sticky and I wasn’t sure if it was going to be fixable. I was seeing some things that were putting up red flags for me and we parted on gloomy terms.

He then started texting me things that made me sad. He was giving me a choice and it seemed that maybe I had been to hasty in thinking he was ready for a new relationship. He had just ended a 19 year relationship 6 months ago and was holding on to a lot of emotional charged feelings. He was where I was 2 years ago. I tried to explain this to him but he wasn’t listening. I would not respond back to his text until I was ready to make that choice. I wasn’t going to change for him. I was happy with who I had become. But I also was not happy with myself because what I thought I was looking for (and got) wasn’t what I wanted at all. (This is too personal to talk about here). So what was wrong with me?

Needless to say after 4 days of spending time with myself and then talking to friends and telling my story (that is the way I am to make decisions according to my human design) I felt I was ready to make a decision even though it was not one I wanted to make. I responded with “I back away gracefully” his reply “Thank you”.

Making that decision sucked!!!  Because part of me knew he was different and that I really did manifest him and I was still going in circles, only it was different then I had ever known. You see I wasn’t responding from a place of being in love, I was feeling in my heart that something wasn’t right about how this had played out. How is it you know you have and haven’t made the right choice at the same time?

Then I started receiving the texts again, but this time they were different. He was apologizing for putting his issues onto me. Because of the things I had said (which he had been hearing) he began to realize his part in how things had played out. He too had old conditioning that had to be healed just as I had suggested. He was, an still is, so conditioned that it was hard for him to even admit it could be possible. His anger towards women needed to be addressed and his forgiveness, both of others and of himself, needed to happen before he could move on to another relationship. All of this he admitted “he had dumped in my lap’ and then said I was the one needing to be fixed. He was so sorry but also thankful that I had ‘opened his eyes to this even if it was too late for us.” My heart was so happy for him, I knew he wanted to be unconditioned and I was so glad, as he said, “I tough-loved the crap right out of him.”

I wasn’t really hearing him say how I had been the one to have helped him as much as I was hearing a man who really did want to find out who he really was. Someone thirsty to be healed and find who he was before life happened to him. To be able to know what forgiveness really meant. To love without fear and see old habits that strangled instead of give life. It was like he had asked the universe for help and it had listened. I was on cloud nine and didn’t care I wasn’t going to ever see him again…. Or did I?

A couple days later I received an email from him that changed everything again (positively) and all I could do was to say I wanted to see him, so he came over… and he stayed the night.

That is where we come to the question at the beginning of who gives us the test in life to see if we have mastered our awareness? The Universe? Our Higher Self? God or the Goddess? The next day after he left I had an awareness that just about knocked me off my feet! I heard in my thoughts a voice say to me….

  1. If what you think you want is taking a long time and you have to hurt others to get it, it will not make you happy when you get it.
  2. Just because someone reminds you of someone else doesn’t mean they are going to be like that one. Remember it is the quality you wanted not who had it.
  3. Just because I have gotten to the point of understanding myself and have tools to help me doesn’t mean someone else is there yet. Give them a chance to know what you know.
  4. It is alright to be scared. Starting over is always scary and we will not always act and do the things we wish we would. Give them and yourself a little slack. It is what we do after we realize it, that should matter.
  5. Tough Love always works best when given unconditionally from the heart.

Where he and I go from here is still unanswered but one thing is for sure, I will always trust and listen to my inner voice and not jump to conclusions just because something looks familiar. We are all part of the same source, different but the same.

So if you think it ends here…. Well now comes the part where I say; I have grown and love myself, now more then ever before. Being in my 50’s I have a lot of conditioning that is unraveling and being exposed for what it is. The so called truths of my life that are not truths at all, but are ways to control and manipulate me into believing the lies. I have learned to trust myself in ways I have never known. I have tools that I will use now, before I make any decision about anything and make it with confidence and respect for myself and others. I will continue to keep learning things about myself and how I operate. Life is my school and experiences my teachers and I am the star pupil.

Blessings

Tiana